My Brain Is a Circus — Admission Is Free – Sorry

Alarms are going off — the birds are chirping…

Today is a good day! Woke up to puppy cuddles. The urge to write. And best of all — my brain is on task. Focussed. Ready to create a picture out of words. This means I will be able to get things done, dream up fun things, maybe go on a little adventure — who knows. Days like today are what keep me going — the light at the end of the tunnel, they are what fill me with joy. Unfortunately, days like today don’t come around often enough.

Most days, my brain feels overwhelmed and exhausted — waking up to a circus of thoughts, ideas, and memories, all trying to take over the show in some form of emotion. If my brain were a three ring circus, ring number one would be where all my thoughts would be preforming — things I should have said, replays of everything I have ever done and how I could have done them differently, what I need to do today, etc… Ring number two’s performance would be brought to you by my ideas — things I want to create, things I want to change, things that would make my life easier or more organized, etc… Meanwhile in ring number three, memories are ruminating on all the things I would like to forget — on repeat. The juggling of these acts go on and on throughout the day from the moment I wake up till the moment my brain finally gives out and lets me get a few hours rest. Then what do you know — it is showtime again, cueing overwhelm and exhaustion to stand and applaud.

Who can have a circus without clowns?

Not me! Unfortunately, I feel like I am the clown — the one people tend to laugh at without realizing I’m not part of the act. The one that puts on a big smiling face and doesn’t say a word out in public but somehow seems to draw attention. Can you imagine what would happen if I spoke or acted on my impulses or intrusive thoughts? Now that would be a circus! Since I do not like attention, I will continue to keep the circus playing in my head and let bits of the entertainment out only when I am around those that allow me to be me and love me for it — and now, of course, in my ramblings!

Now that the bad review is out of the way…

Let’s dive into the four-star acts! Powering through exhaustion is what my brain does — it thrives on excitement (which, let’s be honest, is exactly how a circus works). When issues arise, my brain is quick resolve them. It does not wait for the curtain to go down. It’s already running through five solutions and ten possible outcomes — before I’ve even finished the thought. When I am bored, my brain will conjure up a ridiculous number of new acts to try out — while simultaneously creating a shopping list of all the supplies needed to achieve the perfect performance. Conversations? Always interesting. I never know which act will take the stage. And sometimes, the show is on intermission… and, well, yeah.

Since this is a rambling and not a book…

Days like today — when the show is transitioning smoothly from act to act, animals and performers enter and exit stage as instructed, and the show finishes with a smile and a bow — are good days, and I am ever so grateful for them. Then there are the other days — when the elephant has taken a massive dump on the monkey’s hat, the juggler never shows up, and none of the costumes fit correctly. Those are the days I’ve struggled for years to love. My entire life I have constantly booed myself off stage, trying to cover up all the fun and laughter in order to be taken seriously or looked at as ‘normal’.

You guessed it – Photo was generated by Chat GPT

Imagine being in charge of the act where dirt-bikers drive around inside the metal ball — the right person can pull it off. Now imagine my version — monkeys on the dirt-bikes, fireworks shooting from the handlebars, and the whole thing spilling into the aisles. Different? Absolutely. But it would still be a hit! Normal is boring! And with full honesty, ‘normal’ is absolutely unachievable for me. Understanding and accepting that has been a life changer. No longer feeling the pressure of trying harder or practicing more to achieve something that is not obtainable — that’s freedom.

Forget Being a Clown!!

This is My Circus — I am the Ringmaster! I used to wish my brain would be quiet — now it is time to give it the spotlight and let the show go on!

– sorry NOT sorry –