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Thank you —

To everyone who reaches out to see how I am feeling.
Those that check-in on me when I am unwell.
Those that know I am not okay despite the smile painted on my face. 

Truth is, most days I am not well.
Only on the worst days do people start to notice.

The ones where I don’t smile as much as usual.
Not as encouraging. Not as positive.
Still trying to listen to your stories but unable to find the strength to respond.
And of course, the silent days.

Then there are the days I recluse into my room.
Cutting off most non-essential communication.
Disappearing until I can come out again.

Not well — but well enough.
To smile.
To nod.
To not be a burden. 
To not inconvenience anyone’s day.

All of your “I am here if you need me”s are not taken for granted.
The “Can I get you something or do anything for you”s do not fall on deaf ears. 
If anything, they echo louder than you realize. 
They mean the world to me. 

Truth is, I want to let you be there for me.

But —
My trauma won’t let me be a burden. 
My trauma won’t let me be an inconvenience. 
My trauma forces me to push through it — no matter the cost. 

So when I say, “Thank you” – I mean it, I really do. 

I just don’t have the strength to talk.
Move from my bed. 
Get dressed in something presentable.
To welcome you as a guest. 
Entertain.
Smile.

I know, I know — 
You don’t expect me to, but my brain does. 
The point is, if I don’t, it adds to my misery. 
Not only will I then be in pain, 
I will replay every second of our interaction.
Obsessing over how I should have done this or said that. 

This past week has been awful.
Writing this as I lay in the same room I have been hiding away in for days. 
In pain.
Exhausted.
Depleted.

Thinking about those that always ask how they can help me —
Knowing I will say no.
Hoping you all know how grateful I am that you keep asking. 
Wishing you knew how helpful you already are.

How each offer of assistance softening the walls my trauma has built.
Little by little. 
How each repeat “How are you today?” text, reminds me I am worthy of love.
That people do want to care for me, without expecting anything in return. 

I may not always know how to accept it — but I never fail to feel it.

THANK YOU!

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— sorry NOT sorry —

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