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I used to live in the land of what if.

What if this doesn’t work?
What if they leave?
What if I fail?
What if I’m wrong?
What if I can’t handle it?
What if everything I’m trying so hard to hold together comes crashing down anyway?

And if you have ever been there, you know the land of what if is exhausting.

It sounds like preparation, but in reality, it’s just fear holding a clipboard.

It convinced me that if I could just think through every possible scenario, I could somehow prevent pain. Like if I worried hard enough, planned hard enough, braced hard enough, I could prevent the crash before it happened. 

Spoiler alert: I could not.

Because life does not care how many scenarios I rehearsed in my head at 3:30 a.m. Life still lifed. People still disappointed. Things still fell apart. Plans still changed. Hearts still ached. I still got knocked down by things I never saw coming.

But through all of it?

I got back up.

Every single time.

Maybe not gracefully. Maybe not quickly. Maybe not without crying in the shower, spiraling in my car, or sitting on the floor asking YoLo how in the hell I was supposed to keep going.

But I did.

So I’ve decided to trade what if in for an upgrade: even if.

Even if it doesn’t work, I will figure out what comes next.
Even if they leave, I will still show up for me.
Even if I fail, I will try again.
Even if I’m wrong, I will learn.
Even if it hurts, I will heal.
Even if the thing I feared actually happens, I will be okay.

Because I always have been.

That does not mean I am suddenly fearless, unbothered, completely healed, and floating through life like some emotionally evolved superior human.

Absolutely not.

I still worry. I still overthink. I still occasionally rehearse possible scenarios like I am practicing to preform a play.

But there is a difference between being aware of what could happen and letting fear move into my house, eat all my snacks, and redecorate my entire personality.

I am done handing fear the keys.

What if makes me shrink.

Even if lets me stand tall.

It reminds me that I am not the same woman who believed every ending would destroy her. I am not the same woman who thought being abandoned meant being unworthy. I am not the same woman who thought failing at something meant being a failure.

I have buried versions of myself I thought I could not live without.

And yet somehow, here I am.

That matters.

There is power in realizing the worst-case scenario is not always the end of the story. Sometimes it is just the ugly middle. Sometimes it is the chapter where everything burns down. Sometimes it is the part where you are covered in ash, blinking through the smoke, wondering what is left.

And then one day, you realize.

You are.

You are what is left.

And that is enough.

So no, I do not need to live my life bowing down to what if anymore.

What if they don’t understand me?
Even if they don’t understand me, I still know myself.

What if I lose something?
Even if I lose something, I can rebuild.

What if I get hurt?
Even if I get hurt, I will heal.

What if everything changes?
Even if everything changes, so do I.

That is the mindset shift.

Not pretending life cannot hurt me, because, man, does it loves to.

But knowing that hurt does not get the final word.

Because I have survived things I once thought would ruin me. Time and time again I have walked through grief, fear, betrayal, confusion, endings, and starting over when I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.

And I am still here.

Still loving.
Still laughing.
Still trying.
Still growing.
Still learning.
Still getting back up.

So let the worries come if they must.

Even if they happen, I will survive.

Always have.

Always will.

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— sorry NOT sorry —

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