Socially Akward Much?

To say superficial conversation is hard for me is quite an understatement. 
It is literally painful — it physically hurts my body. 
Like every superficial word is branding my skin with a heated iron. Every “I’m doing good, thanks for asking” searing down to the bone. 

I use to think this happens because I am socially awkward. 
That going out in public and talking to people was just not my thing. 
But maybe I’m not socially awkward after all?
Maybe I just want to ask questions that earn me The Look.

But I don’t.

Not because I’m afraid of the answer…
Because I don’t want to make someone else uncomfortable.

Maybe I would rather avoid superficial talk, than painfully make my way through the socially acceptable chit chat. 
Instead I just dodge having the conversations neither of us actually want to have. 

And that makes me socially awkward.

Subconsciously I feel everyone’s emotions in the room. 
Picking up on each person’s body language. 
Seeing the smiles they carefully paint onto their faces. 
My skin tingling knowing what is about to happen.

But I’m supposed to just say, 

“Hey, how are you?”

Knowing they will answer, 

“I’m doing well, how are you?”

Ugh! Now I’m expected to give the same painted on smile and say,

“Doing pretty good, thanks.” 

Then pretend like that is enough. All the while, bile is making its way up my esophagus.
Because if I say anything about noticing the painted on smile or the dread that is radiating from them…

I’m the weirdo.

Cue….

 The Look.

You know the one.
The one that says…

Whoa – that is way too personal. 

Mind your business. 

The audacity I must have to ask a question about a person that may require a little thought. 
Maybe that’s why I’ve never liked asking,
“So…what do you do?”

I’d rather ask…

What keeps you awake at night?
What makes you feel alive?
What are you pretending you’re okay with?
What makes you excited?

Because somewhere underneath the weather, the job title, and “I’m doing fine”…
is the person I was hoping to meet all along.

Maybe I don’t hate talking to people.

Maybe I just hate pretending.

— sorry NOT sorry —

Mia

2 responses to “Socially Akward Much?”

  1. Fairweather Walker Avatar
    Fairweather Walker

    I get it. Most conversation, especially in public or a social situation where there aren’t just the two of you, and even then sometimes, is so shallow and meaningless. I have a really hard time forcing myself to attend group functions and even some smaller social gatherings with friends seem like a waste of time. I just want it to be over because it’s time I’ll never get back, but I’ve had to go along with it because it’s my husband’s friends or family and he can’t stand to miss it. Mostly he likes to hear himself talk, and I’ve mostly heard what he’s had to say – many times already. I think I’ll end up a hermit.

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    1. Mia Avatar
      Mia

      Thank you for reading and for taking the time to comment again. ❤️
      It made me smile when I saw your name pop up.
      I can definitely relate to that feeling of counting down until a gathering is over. It’s funny how draining a room full of small talk can be, especially when what you’re really craving is one genuine conversation.
      I also have to give you credit for continuing to show up for your husband, even when it’s not your favorite thing. That’s one of those quiet acts of love that probably goes unnoticed more often than it should.
      If I am being honest, I am pretty much a hermit already. If I didn’t work outside of the house, I don’t know that I would ever leave.

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